My Breast Cancer Update: 14 weeks Post Chemo

Remission + Turning 40

Hello all! It's been a long time since I have posted my progress. I had 2 follow-up doctors appointments; one with my breast cancer surgeon, and the other with my cosmetic surgeon. Both went well. I'm healing nicely and continuously regaining energy. I think I'm finally ready to exit the rollercoaster ride... Time for some smooth sailing. 

As of August 19th, my oncologist officially labeled me "in remission." I started taking Tamoxifen that same day, and the aim is to continue taking it for 5 years. I have experienced leg aches and pains, especially first thing in the morning and after sitting for a long periods of time. While not enjoyable, the minor side effects are manageable. Movement alleviates the discomfort, so I try to stay active.

In addition to finishing chemo treatments and finding my new normal... I turned 40! To be honest, I was super bummed at the time of my birthday. The hair on my head was patchy, my eyebrows and eyelashes were nonexistent, and I was feeling crappy and not much like celebrating. I had envisioned a fun party, or trip with friends and family... but I just wasn't up for it. I flip flopped back and forth on what I wanted to do. I had a melt down and decided that I didn't want to do much of anything. Poor husband had to put up with me crying and whining over how I was feeling about how I looked.

Approximately two days after my major meltdown, I must have werewolfed overnight. My eyebrows grew back with a vengeance, and I have had two haircuts since then. I'm feeling and looking more like myself these days, and truly feel lucky to be in remission. To anyone feeling the same despair that I was feeling, please give yourself time.

So, in celebration of my 40th year, I have created a National Breast Cancer Foundation fundraising page. My goal is to raise $400 by December 1, 2016. Please visit my fundraising page.

And if I may end with a bit of advice... If you feel something different with your body, get it checked out as soon as you can.

My Breast Cancer Update: 4 weeks Post Chemo

The Emotional Rollercoaster Continues

Of course I wanted everything in life to go back to normal immediately after chemo treatments. My hair should magically grow back, and my energy level should sky rocket. Sadly, none of this happened. In fact, I just want to hide away most days and wait to reveal myself once I look a bit more like my old self. But that's just the problem... I will never be my old self again. I have evolved, and I'm still trying to figure out who it is that I am morphing into. 

“I cannot make you understand. I cannot make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I cannot even explain it to myself.”

― Franz Kafka, The Metamorphosis

In the meantime, I have been gaining energy every week, and pushing myself to do more and more every day. Even if it is making the bed, doing a load of laundry, making dinner, or vacuuming - the little victories matter to me. I have found myself craving to be creative again, and I hope to feed those cravings as I get stronger and more confident. I look forward to it.

I have an appointment with my Oncologist this week, and hopefully she will clear me to eat sushi and get a mani/pedi. It's been way too long that I have had to go without. I will also get started with Tamoxifen that I aim to take for 5 years. I'm a bit nervous about the side effects, but will deal with it as it comes up. Baby steps. I have scheduled the surgery for my medi-port to be removed on August 31st... the day after my birthday, which may limit the celebrating on my actual birthday - but I'm ok with it. I just want to get it out. Then in September I will follow up with both of my surgeons. Autumn cannot come soon enough. I'm so ready to get this year over with and keep on keeping on.

Give me another week and I'll post some pictures of my peach fuzz head. Maybe my first art project will be to put a collage together of my hair growth photos. 

My Breast Cancer Update: Every Monday Morning Comes

Just a quick post before my last chemo treatment

Since I began chemo treatments in March, this song would run through my head every weekend before infusion on Monday.

This weekend while I enjoyed time with family and friends celebrating Rileigh's birthday, the tune played in my head as usual... but it will be the last time that I will dread Monday morning.

I still need to get through infusion and my week of recovery, but I am eager to be on the other side of chemo. I hope to regain some energy and continue to see the positive in everything.

I plan to continue blog posts on how I am doing, hopefully some hair growth photos, and my next chapter of Tamoxifen.

Suede - Every Monday Morning Comes (Sci-Fi Lullabies)

My Breast Cancer Update: 'Cause you can't, you won't, and you don't stop!

Only one week left!

As I sit here in the infusion suite, dreaming about next Monday being my final chemo treatment, I can't help but think of all the people who helped get me here. It's impossible to name you all, but please know that all of the encouragement, visits, gifts, cards, well wishes, prayers, and love have made me stronger and able to fight through this.

Some people I have to mention are my hubby Ross, my mom (AKA Memaw) and dad (AKA Pop Pop), my two tough sons Rileigh and Jackson, and our dog Karma. You all have been so very patient, caring, and strong throughout this tough year. Your love is unmeasurable and I can't thank you enough.

It's been a tough week for us all. HELL, it's been a tough year! With so much hate and prejudice in the world and on the news these days, it's difficult to stay positive. That is why I chose a quote from the Beastie Boys for today's post. "'Cause you can't, you won't, and you don't stop!" 

• 'cause you can't ignore what is happening in our world today. If we could just all do as our parents taught us - Treat others the way YOU want to be treated. 

• you won't stand by and do nothing. A simple act of kindness everyday goes a long way. Pay it forward as much as you can. Hold a door or the elevator for someone. Say hello and smile. It's easy to be kind. 

• and you don't stop because people acknowledge kindness. Children recognize it and hopefully copy it.

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. ... We need not wait to see what others do.”

- Gandhi

My Breast Cancer Update: 25 Random Questions

I have been busy lately... well, busy for me. Ross hosted a movie night at the park; I met up with friends who are in town; we went to a concert; and we drove the boys to camp on Father's Day. I get tired out easily, but I'm hanging in there and trying to enjoy myself. 

Trying to stay positive can be tough with all of the doom and gloom in the world these days. For a break from the grind, I decided to take a moment to answer 25 random questions.

25 Random Questions

1. Do you have any pets?

Yes. We have a Jindo-mix dog named Karma. She is frequently on Instagram. #karmadog

2. Name three things that are physically close to you.

My laptop, a glass of iced tea, and my cell phone.

3. What’s the weather like right now?

A bit overcast and about 80°F

4. Do you drive? If so, have you crashed?

Yes I drive. No I have never been the cause of an accident or crash.

5. What time did you wake up this morning?

This is a bit embarrassing... around 10am. 

6. When was the last time you showered?

This morning. 

7. What was the last movie that you saw?

Last week I watched Deadpool.

8. What does you last text message say?

"OK, I'll keep in touch."

9. What is your ringtone?

It depends on who is calling me, but my default is "Opening."

10. Have you ever been to a different country?

Yes. I have been to Iceland, Costa Rica, Greece, Aruba, Jamaica, and Canada. 

11. Do you like sushi?

Yes, I love sushi, but haven't been allowed to eat it since February. I look forward to a visit to Sushi Taro in August. 

12. Where do you buy your groceries?

From several grocery stores including MOM's Organic Market, Whole Foods, and Harris Teeter. 

13. Have you ever taken any medication to help you fall asleep faster?

Recently, yes. 

14. How many siblings do you have?

I have one brother, Jamie.

15. Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?

Both. 

16. How old will you be turning on your next birthday?

40, ugh...

17. Do you wear contacts or glasses?

Both.

18. Do you color your hair?

Ha! This is a rude question right now. When I have hair, I seldom color it. 

19. Tell me something you are planning to do today.

I am planning on cooking a healthy dinner for Ross and I.

20. When was the last time you cried?

Today. It wasn't a full blown cry-fest. My eyes welled up a bit. 

21. What is your perfect pizza topping?

Fresh arugula.

22. Which do you prefer, hamburger or cheeseburger?

I haven't had either in a while, but cheeseburger.  (Now I want a burger!)

23. Have you ever had an all-nighter?

Of course.

24. What is your eye colour?

Brown.

25. Can you taste the difference between Pepsi and Coke?

YES! Pepsi is gross. It tastes flat and too sweet. I love the harsh burn of a Coca-Cola!  (Great, now I want a Coke with that burger!)

My Breast Cancer Update: Being Positive.

I am slowly learning that being positive is not only about projecting a positive attitude. Being positive is also about choosing to see the good in life. Through my family and friends and the power of encouragement I know that things are getting better.

Weekends are for fun and time well spent with family and friends. I try to enjoy myself, but it can be difficult when I know that Monday I have another infusion. This past weekend I met my new nephew who was born just a couple of weeks ago. Although I wish I had more energy now so I could be more helpful, I am super excited that this chemo nonsense will be an old memory by the time I am able to have some real fun with him. I am already imagining Auntie outings with him.

So as I type this from my 10th of 16 infusions, I am doing my best to stay positive. I am well over the half-way point, and I will continue to push towards the finish line.

Much love to you all.

My Breast Cancer Update: 8 infusions down. 8 more to go.

Someone in the infusion suite is celebrating her last treatment today. She brought Georgetown Cupcakes for the nurses, balloons are tied to her chair, and she has a big beautiful smile on her face. So why do I want to cry? I'm so incredibly happy for her, but I can't help but feel jealous. I have planning my last treatment celebration since I began.

Today's infusion marks my half way point. In eight short weeks I will be the one celebrating.

My Breast Cancer Update: Part B of treatment - 3 of 12 cycles done!

This past Monday I had my 3rd infusion of Taxol, and so far so good. Other than feeling tired, I have not experienced any significant side effects. I have been warned that as I continue I may still develop neuropathy, but I'm staying positive that this portion of treatment will be easier. I have had a little bit of swelling in my left arm and I have been keeping up with my massage and exercise to keep it in check.

I have had more energy these past three weeks than when I started chemo. I have been getting out more and able to be a bit more productive. Let me just say that going out to dinner with my husband is great! I've missed it so very much and I'm glad to be able to handle short outings. My oncologist is pleased with my progress, and wants me to push myself a little more through these last weeks.

I am pleased with my progress too. Although I have my ups and downs, I finally feel like I will be on the other side of "this" soon.

My Breast Cancer Update: NO MORE RED DEVIL!

April 11th was my 4th cycle and final infusion of Adriamycin (AKA The Red Devil), and Cytoxan. Part A of treatment is complete! No chemo treatment this week, so I'm enjoying my last days of freedom. 

Part B of treatment begins May 2nd, and will be 12 weeks straight of Taxol. I have been told by doctors, nurses, and friends that the Taxol will be easier. I'm staying positive that it will be, and will hopefully feel more like myself throughout. 

I'm still not used to being bald. I haven't been able to go out in public with my naked head. I usually cover up with a hat, or a scarf wrapped turban style although I'm not very good at it. I was just telling friends how being bald is harder than I thought it would be. Before, I hardly styled my hair. I actually hid behind my hair, and hardly wore makeup. Now I'm wearing more makeup, trying to figure out my eyebrows, and spending way more time on scarf wrapping than I ever did on styling my hair. I'm sure I'll figure it out once my hair starts to grow back. LOL.

As many of you know, I am a huge fan of music. All genres. With the recent passings of some of my lifelong favorite musicians including David Bowie, Merle Haggard, and Prince, this process has been made extra emotional for me. So far, I have worn my David Bowie Blackstar tank under my shirt to every infusion. Seems silly, but it gives me courage.

I end this post with my favorite Bowie song, that I  listen to everyday. It may seem a bit heavy at first, but I find it empowering and encouraging. If you are feeling down, the message is clear... You're not alone.

David Bowie - Rock 'n' Roll Suicide,

taken from ‘Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars (The Motion Picture Soundtrack)'

Cuff Smart Jewelry Closes Business. No Refunds.

I do not like to complain, BUT I pre-ordered my Cuff bracelet from cuff.io in February 2015. Multiple emails from the company, claiming delays, said they would ship April 2016. I visited the website and found that they closed up shop. Googled them, and found on Fortune.com that Cuff "quietly closed in March 2016."

No refunds!?! Seriously? After the company raised $5 Million? I think Cuff founder Deepa Sood owes customers an apology at the very least.

Current mood = Aggravated!

My Breast Cancer Update: I am a Lucky Girl

This past Monday was Cycle #3. Infusion went well, although I suffered some mild nausea that evening. Tuesday was greeted with more nausea; I spent half of Wednesday asleep and very achy; and Thursday was still achy, but could at least stay awake.

Today, the Friday after infusion, I started my day positive and thought I would be productive, well - productive for me. I got the boys out the door for school, showered, and dressed; I even managed a light dusting of make-up and real pants. I quickly realized that I had used all of my energy, and changed into sweatpants. I even got a couple loads of laundry done.

Those days in-between Monday and today were tough. Really tough. I'm an emotional rollercoaster. I feel like crap, look like crap, and don't want to do crap. I feel terrible, like I'm neglecting my family, my dog, myself. No matter how bad I feel, I'm constantly reminded of how lucky I am. Every single day we have family, friends, and neighbors reaching out and showing support. I receive emails, texts and cards of encouragement, flowers, uplifting gifts, meals for our family... the list goes on and on. The love is truly appreciated and keeps me smiling, even when it's difficult. I am so lucky to have strong women in my life who are fellow warriors of breast cancer and offer support, advice, or just an ear. I am lucky to have angels in my life who have been caretakers of someone with cancer, who understand how difficult this bump in the road is for myself and my family. It's just a bump for me, and I will get on the other side. I am lucky to have friends who have arranged for dinners to be delivered to my family on weeks that I have treatment. I am lucky to have friends who want to go with me to infusion and help me remember that I'm not alone. I am lucky to have friends who want to come by the house for a short visit, or to get me out of the house for a couple hours, and help me feel more like myself.

I am lucky that I am one infusion away from being finished with Part A of treatment! I have a week off before infusion #4, and I am lucky to be able to savor it.

I am lucky to have a nice shaped head like my Pops.

I am lucky to have a wonderful Mother.

I am lucky to be friends with this fellow Warrior, since 1st grade. 

I am lucky to be friends with this Angel, since high school.

I am lucky that a lovely neighbor dropped off a delicious cake.

I am lucky to have shared unfortunate haircuts with my brother.

I am lucky to have friends such as these lovely ladies...

and this beautiful friend...

and these great friends...

and this brother-from-another-mother...

and the greatest most supportive husband a girl could have...

and the many, many more of you out there who are helping me get through.

I love you all.

xo

My Breast Cancer Update: Second Cycle + Logo Design

Yesterday morning I woke up to more little hairs from my head left on my pillow.
"Hair today. Gone tomorrow." Did I call it, or what?

Memaw knitting, of course!

Second Cycle Infusion went well. I was lucky enough to be there as a physical therapist was making her rounds, so I received a nice neck and shoulder massage for about 30 minutes. That was a treat. Memaw was with me, keeping me company, and hubby was in an out with work errands and made a lunch run. Otherwise, I just sat in my comfy chair for hours... reading, checking emails, Facebook, and yes, taking selfies.

I received the normal infusion of the steroid, and my home dose was dropped down to just one pill the morning after. I have been awake since 2:30am, so I went ahead and took the pill at 6:30am. Hopefully it will run through my system quickly, and I'll manage any nausea with Zofran along the way. I pulled myself together and got outside in this beautiful weather for a walk, and stopped in to see friends and their newborn. So... so far, so good. Just a bit tired, but can't rest.

With hat?

Without hat?

Today I ordered a good set of hair clippers via Amazon. They will be here Thursday, and this buzz cut of mine will get serious! A friend and work colleague who also battled breast cancer told me that she never lost her eyelashes, eyebrows, or leg hair (that part is unfair). And one of my besties said that her eyelashes and eyebrows were the last to go. Needless to say, everyone reacts differently. I went ahead and purchased real hair eyebrows, stencils, makeup and more. I also treated myself to several scarves and hats, as well as being gifted a beautiful designer scarf from dear friends. I figured I'm saving money not going to the hair salon or getting mani/pedis, right? I already have the oversized sunglasses, so I'll be set for my Vogue cover shoot circa 1976.

As I was lying awake in bed early this morning, I was thinking about the logo that I've been using for these updates. I originally designed it several years ago for a client's meeting publication. I repurposed it for this blog because it perfectly shows how this breast cancer and chemo process feels to me. It's kinda three parts. The first part being before diagnosis. The second part, where I am now, the unravelling and being taken apart in surgery and recovery, then chemo treatments. The third part is being put back together better and stronger. One thing that this process has taught me is that I really didn't know anything about breast cancer and chemo before going through it myself. When family, friends, and neighbors had battled any cancer in the past, I really did not know how to help, what to do or say. I'm still figuring it out, but I know for sure that I will be a better caregiver, family member, and friend because of this.

As and end note. I would like to send lots of love and positive energy to the people in Brussels. You are in my thoughts.

My Breast Cancer Update: Hair today. Gone tomorrow.

It's the first day of spring and I am preparing myself for my second chemo session tomorrow. I worry myself about how I will feel this upcoming week. The doc is tweaking my meds this time around, a lesser dose or none at all of the steroid. Hydrating as much as possible and making sure I have all the things that I think I will want to help comfort myself. My mom is back in town to help out as well, so I am hopeful that it will be much better than after the first chemo treatment. 

I have also been having vivid dreams about chunks of my hair falling out. I know it's bound to happen at any moment, and no matter how much I try and prepare myself for it... I'm not ready. Chemo can cause hair loss all over your body - not just the hair on your head. Eyelashes, eyebrows, and other body hair may fall out. C'mon! Seriously!?! I have been watching YouTube tutorials on drawing on eyebrows and putting on fake lashes. I apologize in advance if I look like a freak for a while. I have never been good with my eyebrows, AND I never knew how cold I could be until I shaved my hair.

So tonight I distracted myself by making dinner for the family. Well, two different dinners really. One with meat for the boys, and one without for hubby. Now we are watching our beloved Washington Captials fight off the dreadful Penguins. After the game I will recheck my bags for tomorrow before relaxing to bed.

Wish me luck. :)

My Breast Cancer Update: Days after First Chemo Treatment

This steroid is making me crazy!

On days 2, 3, and 4 after chemo treatment I was prescribed Dexamethasone, a steroid to help prevent nausea and other possible allergic reactions. What it actually did was made me feel incredibly anxious, jittery, yet extremely exhausted at the same time. Quite nerve-racking. I'm tired, but I can't sit still. I can't focus on anything... not even Pinterest could keep me interested.

I spoke with one of my nurses yesterday, and she said that we would try to lessen my dose for the next cycle. I also have a meeting with my nurse practitioner on Monday which I plan to request alternatives for the steroid... or at least something to chill me out.

To all the women I have known to function and work through chemo treatments... YOU are truly superwomen! I don't know how you do it. I'm hopeful that I will figure out the treatment that works best for me and helps me feel a bit more human than I have the past few days.

My Breast Cancer Update: First Chemo Treatment

Answering the selfie requests for my new short haircut.

I began yesterday very anxious about my first chemo treatment. I over packed, you would have thought I was going camping... but better have too much than too little. I had a lot of great tips on how to get through treatments from lots of lovely ladies. I absorbed all of their advice and I had my mother (AKA Memaw) and my super-hero of a husband with me. I knew that I would do just fine.

So yesterday was treatment 1 of Part A: AC with tons of anti-nausea meds beforehand. My anxiety went away as the nurse began with the infusions. I drank a lot of water on the days leading up to treatment, and the day of treatment, which I think helped. During treatment, I sucked on tiny ice cubes throughout (great tip from friends), sipped on water or ginger-ale, and snacked on graham cracker cookies. I watched Freaks and Geeks on Netflix and just tried to relax. Memaw was, as usual, knitting. Husband was working, so was in and out of the room throughout treatment.

The "Red Devil" of Adriamycin (Doxorubicin) is no joke! It looked like red Jell-O being injected into my system, which already freaked me out. I could feel an overwhelming surge of drowsiness come over me as it was going in. All the water I had been drinking seemed to help get it through my system quickly.

Once complete, I was feeling ok. I had been told that I would feel great, but to also take it easy, especially with food. When I got home I went on a nice long walk with Memaw and Karma dog. Then relaxed on the sofa for the rest of the evening. I began to feel a bit woozy, like a mild hangover. I ate some brown rice with scrambled egg, my go-to comfort food when I am not feeling great, and went to bed fairly early.

This morning, I still had the hangover feeling but a bit stronger with the addition of a slight headache. I ate some granola with yogurt, and keep drinking water. I just finished up a short walk with Memaw and Karma dog, and now am trying to get to my unanswered messages and write this update post.

Excuse my flabby arm. :)

Oh, I was also sent home with this cool Neulasta kit. I'm supposed to have a Neulasta injection the day after chemo, but instead of making me come in, the nurse stuck this little kit to my arm (picture right). It will beep to let me know when it will begin injection, and has a blinking light that will go solid once the dose is complete. How cool is that! I don't have to make another trip to the doctor's office, AND I'm not sticking a needle into myself.

Soo... So far, so good. As I have been telling friends, it feels like a hangover BUT without the funny stories from the night before. Also, if I had a hangover, I'd be at the diner by myself in a lonely booth, wearing sunglasses, downing a giant omelet.

Thank you again for all the advice, tips, good vibes, and encouragement throughout this moment of my life. I cannot thank you enough and explain how much it means to me... but I'll do my very best to try. You help keep me tough.

Lots of love!
Jackie

My Breast Cancer Update

“It is fun to be alive. It's a hell of a lot better than being dead.”
― Joe Strummer

OK. So it feels like I'm being taken apart, but I'll be put back together - better and stronger. It may not feel like fun now, but I know things could be worse, and things WILL get better.

An update:

The week between Christmas and New Year's Eve, I found a lump in my left breast while showering. I wasn't doing a self-exam, just showering, and there it was. I freaked and made an appointment with my doctor for the following week. 

1/5/16 - My doctor seemed optimistic that the lump was just a cyst, but still wanted me to have it checked out further. 

1/21/16 - I have an ultrasound... Then my first ever mammogram. After reviewing the mammogram, I was asked if I could do a biopsy on the mass that same afternoon. Then my first ever biopsy and another mammogram.

1/26/16 - I received the call that the biopsy did test positive for breast cancer. 

1/29/16 - I meet with surgeon option 1.

2/1/16 - I meet with surgeon option 2. I also meet with a genetic counselor and have lab work done. I tentatively schedule surgery for the following Tuesday.

2/3/16 - I have my first ever MRI. I meet with plastic surgeon. Tuesday surgery for bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction is scheduled. 

2/4/16 - I have fitting for post surgery camisole. 

2/5/16 - Pre-surgery lab work at the hospital.

2/8/16 - Pre-op appointment with plastic surgeon.

2/9/16 - 8:30am arrival to hospital for surgery. I told the anesthesiologist that I didn't want to know anything, feel anything, or puke anything. Surgery was began around 11am, and ended about 6-7 hours later. All went well. 

2/22/16 - I have my first appointment with the oncologist. We come up with a 2-part plan for chemotherapy. Part A begins Monday, March 7 and will be every 2 weeks for 4 cycles. Part B will follow every week for 12 weeks. 

TODAY is 2/27/16. It's been a little over 2-1/2 weeks since my surgery and I'm feeling better and stronger everyday. My energy level is still up and down, and I get emotional at times. Things have happened very quickly, which I am thankful for.

Since my family and I started this journey, we have received an overwhelming outpouring of love and support from friends and family near and far. I can't imagine how I could ever express my sincere gratitude to everyone, but if you know me - you know I will try my best to thank every single one of you personally. 

My motto that I've adapted from a very dear friend: 

It's not going to kill me... it's just going to suck for a while. 

I plan on using this old blog to update everyone on my progress... a journal of sorts. 

Thank you again for all the love. I send lots of love and positive vibes back to you all.

Without you, I'm not sure I could feel as positive as I do that everything will be ok.